Out of Darkness Comes Light...Please don't wait for darknessSaturday, March 09, 2013
My darkest hour…..
Imagine the best of the best friend you can have. A friend that listens to you, always wants to help you, loves you unconditionally – like if you killed somebody not only would she help you bury the body but she wouldn’t judge you for having committed a crime unconditional kinda love. I had that friend. She was my Mom.
My mom and I were such soul sisters, I came to the conclusion that we had shared past lives together. We had everything that comes with that kind of love. We fought, we bickered, we laughed our assess off (many times) and we understood each other’s language.
I never thought my mom would die. I know, sounds silly but in my childlike heart, I thought she’d live forever. But she didn’t. If you ask me I think she died too young. She was 60.
I will never forget the dreaded call I got at 5:50 am. The rush to the ER. She was still breathing but non responsive. The doctor looked at my Dad and I and said “the news is grim”. That was when my life changed forever.
Two weeks later in my darkest hour I contemplated taking my life. I DID (GASP – this now sounds so foreign and crazy to me). The pain I felt was unbearable, my heart broken - my cries like howls from the soul. I didn’t have hope. How would I live without my best friend? When I realized what I was contemplating, I thought “how could I cause this SAME pain to my family?”. Love snapped me out of it.
Grieving is a very lonely place to be. Like love, it's so unique that as much as people try to understand you and help you, they just can’t. It is a process you need to go through on your own - you're in a tunnel that you MUST go through, walls all around you and the only way out is to keep going. At the same time it's alienating to those you love that want to help.
Within 18 months I had lost my mom, my dog, my gallbladder and had a cancer scare. How could anyone "get" my pain and fear?
3 years later
It has been 3 years since the shit hit the fan for me and I survived.
How I got here
Shortly after my mom died I went to see a therapist who asked me “did you think your mom would live forever?”. After 2 sessions with her, I knew I got what I needed from therapy.
DID I THINK MY MOM WOULD LIVE FOREVER? Hmmmm. Do I think any of us will live forever?
That question – that at the time pissed me off, changed the way I live my life. We won’t live forever, so the more important question is “HOW DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?”
Prior to the shit hitting the fan for me, I was not really living a fulfilled life. I was stressed, not really engaged in my day-to-day – I was being Super Woman, taking care of everyone and their needs and not paying much attention to my life and what I wanted from it in order to create it. I was a perfectionist who beat myself up when I would screw up, I lacked confidence and joy. Though (externally) I had everything one thinks makes a great life, my life was lackluster. I needed to do the inner work. That's where true happiness lies.
I invested in my "self"
That question got me to where I am today. I hired a life coach and began creating a life I love, because life is too short to settle for anything less and I don’t want to have regrets. More importantly, I want to set an example for my boys that they can create a life of joy and fulfillment in spite of life’s upheavals.
Since I was a little girl I’ve loved helping people, which is why I do what I do today. I don’t want anyone to live a life that isn’t rich and fulfilling. We all deserve rich lives. That is why we’re here, to grow into the life that awaits us! It’s so easy to get caught up in worry, expectations, fears and stress that we forget to step back and assess what we want out of life. Most of us are living at the affect of our lives rather than at the cause of it.
Life is short, live like you mean it
Recently my cousin who is 49 was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. During a visit with him I asked: “if you knew this was going to happen to you, how would you have lived differently?” He’s response: “I have so much regret. I have wasted my energy on so much bullshit. None of it really mattered. I would have lived more and worried less.”
What I know for sure
Losing my Mom was the best WORST thing that ever happened to me. It cracked my heart open to start living.
No matter what place of life you are in right now, you can start from there to move forward toward the life you dream of.
Are you waking up every morning excited about your life?
If you think your life is “meh”, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Hire a life coach, talk to a therapist, read a self-help book, attend workshops – whatever! But for God’s sake DO SOMETHING! INVEST IN YOUR “SELF” now! Don’t wait for tragedy, illness or something bad to strike to shake your life. Work on it now.
If you think your life is great, THEN MAKE IT EVEN GREATER. UP THE ANTE!!