by Marie Aunio
I’ve always hated dolls, crowns, the idea of being a princess, castles and prince charming. Maybe it roots to having three brothers and no sisters. I loved (well, still do, actually) climbing trees, the idea of motorcycling and tattoos. I also love books, conversation about metaphysics, quantum physics and anything philosophical in nature.
(photo credit: Elaphance.com)
This morning as I’m getting ready to go to my Accounting job and do the 50 minute commute, it occurs to me what an elitist S.O.B. I am. Not good or bad. Just what’s so, you know? I look upon myself as a more elevated form of a human being because I prefer reading and intelligent conversation over coronations, beauty pageants, parties and parades. Substance over form, please!
You may ask, what brings this all about? See, this mental self-analysis comes up because recently I’ve had to be more out of my element than usual. That element would be my apartment, my books, and a tight circle of friends (as in, you can count them in one hand with a few to spare). I have had to go to parades and coronation events as part my volunteering work.
This may explain why, despite the fact that I had committed to it, for about a year I struggled being ‘out there’ in the public doing community service. In hindsight, I subconsciously knew I would come face to face with the endless fodder that would make me see the enormity of the ego I carried. I would be in places, moments where my mental self-aggrandizement would rise in all its glory.
There is ‘safety’ in keeping these self-delusional ideas about myself and my level of compassion and/or spiritual evolvement when in a ‘controlled environment’. Stepping out, I am laid bare to myself: vulnerabilities, insecurities, judgments and, the best part, ego trips. It turns out I’m about as evolved as a spiritual plankton.
It’s a schizophrenic experience-- feeling both this sense of superiority that I’m NOT like ‘these people’ AND at the same time feeling nasty about myself for having such horrible judgments about ‘these people’. To make this dissonance disappear I tried a variety of tactics: quitting, justifying, and denial. Surprise: none of them worked.
So I looked closer to see. Was I really that much different than my coronation, parade, party loving brothers and sisters? The simple openness to ask the question magically (and finally) opened up a space for an answer to present itself. It had me smiling in surprise. There was none. Books are my crown, conversations are my parties and parades. In form, there is a difference. In substance, there is none.
Putting aside the differences in physical manifestations and activities, it all comes to one and the same: everyone does what they do to give themselves happiness. The Divine Universe provides happiness for all. And so, strangely enough, in this realization I’m gifted a happiness I didn’t even know I was looking for!