Skip to main content

A friend told me I was "broken"

by Sonia Lopez Simpson

“Friends are the family you get to choose”

 It’s interesting that coaching sessions on friendships have been showing up for me lately along with blogs and conversations on the topic.

 You see, at the beginning of 2013, one of my intentions was to surround myself with women who are supportive, loving, kind and who are willing to put forth the effort to build beautiful friendships.

 And it’s happening, with effort from both parties.

 Like any relationship, friendships require work towards growth – at least the good ones do.

 Recently I had a session where a client reminded me of my own growth in the friendship department.  She was getting all up in her head that a good friend had become distant and she didn’t know why.  She made up scenarios that were VERY creative and VERY untrue. Which she later discovered.

 In this session, my own friendship buttons were pushed.

 A few years ago I lost a friendship of 20+ years.  Sad but true.  Very similar scenario as my client’s, except I confronted the situation.

 My friend, whom I spoke with almost every day, stopped calling.  Knowing that she was going through some  “stuff”, I gave her the space I thought she needed.  After a few weeks of not hearing from her, I called and simply asked her “how come you’ve been so distant?”  Her response: “it’s just that you’re broken and I have a lot of good things going on in my life”.  Her voice echoed in my head. BROKEN, BROKEN, BROKEN. Indeed I was broken, I had just lost my mother.

 In time I forgave her, I did. And we got on with our friendship. People say things they don’t mean all the time, I thought.  Friends have forgiven me. Two years later she pulled the same stunt in different clothing. Being less than thrilled at how this friend was once again behaving towards me, I made minimal attempts to communicate and the friendship faded to nothing.

 Don’t worry; the Universe planted some pretty beautiful new friends in my life after that.  The Universe always compensates.

 Back to my client.

 The point is, that scenarios like the one I encountered will probably happen more than once in friendships.  It is up to you to decide “do I want to make up a story about what I think is going on with my friend?” or “do I want to communicate and clarify what’s really going on?”

 To help you decide here are some questions you can ask yourself:

 How true is the story I’m making up in my head about what MAY BE going on with my friend?

 Guaranteed it’s not!  Unless you have a crystal ball, you CANNOT POSSIBLY know what is going on in that person’s world (mind). 

 What do I have to lose by asking, “what’s going on”?

 NOTHING.  And it’s really not a difficult conversation.  We make it like it is because we’re afraid we’ll hear the worst or be rejected. Sure no one likes rejection but so what?  I heard the worst and I’m still standing.   And let me tell you, not knowing and ruminating in your head is WAY MORE of an emotional energy drain than having the conversation and clarifying the situation.  Make a call, set up a coffee date, say I miss you, ask what’s wrong?  It doesn’t have to be a torturous conversation. No need for drama, just ASK!

 Is our friendship worth having the conversation?

 Only you can answer this one.  But be careful not to excuse it with a “nah, not worth it” just ‘cause you’re afraid to confront the situation.

 Personally, most of my friends have been around for a long time and I like it this way. With time, love, patience and good communication (from both sides) we’ve created friendships that feel like family.  So I tend to opt for having the conversation so that we can move past whatever the issue is and continue to grow the friendship.

 Don’t ASS-u-ME.

 As it turns out, my client had the conversation with her friend, got the truth and feels much better about the friendship and herself for having had to courage to confront a situation that was making her feel sad, all because of assumptions. Rather than her norm of sweeping it under the rug hoping it would magically solve itself, she dealt with it and all is right with the world again!

 Not all friendships are meant to last forever.

 Maybe you’ll attempt to have the conversation with a friend who’s putting you off and encounter resistance from this friend - usually in the form of excuses.  If you gave it your all, let it go.  Some friendships simply pass by to teach us, heal us and help us grow. 

 What you focus on grows.

 So, focus your energy on the friends that are willing to do their share to grow with you not apart from you.

I would love to hear about your friendships!  Comment, share, let me know at:

Sonia Lopez Simpson – CPC, ELI-MP is a Certified Life & Transition Coach and a domestic engineer.  Sonia is passionate about living life to the fullest and works with clients to help them do the same!  Sonia specializes in working with moms who’ve lost their sense of self and their identity after taking care of everyone else. She helps moms answer the question: “who are you in addition to a mom?” Sonia believes it’s never too late to get your “mama mojo” back! For more on Sonia, go to


Popular posts from this blog

Completed my first 16 Week IsaBody Challenge: Believe You Have A Purpose

My family is what matters most to me.  I’m 51 and a mother of 4 (ages 14 – 26). I wanted to be healthier, more active and stronger not just for me, but for the people I love.  I wanted to set an example for my family that we each possess the tools to master our wellness and vitality. I've always been petite except when I was pregnant ( when I gained an average of 50 pounds per pregnancy - 4 times!) Over the years I had tried various diet and exercise regimens, and I did enjoy a degree of success, but the results were not to the level I hoped for, and they were somewhat short lived.   Achieving stable, long-lasting results proved stubbornly elusive.    Then when I hit menopause everything became more difficult.    My body stopped cooperating altogether, and I was constantly grumpy. My waist and hips expanded and I found myself napping in the afternoons.    I started to accept the idea that there would be this new, less vibrant version of me. I just completed my P

SPICE-up a young child's development: social, physical, intellectual, creative and emotional

Children are the precious gems of a family. When they’re young and innocent, they are like sponges that willingly and quickly absorb any knowledge and emotion. That’s why at an early age, we encourage our children to read, be creative, be happy and feed their curiosity. With all the technology and instant gratification that children get from playing video or computer games, asking a child to read a good book has been a challenge for some parents .     “Your children are not your children.       They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.       They come through you but not from you,       And though they are with you, and yet they belong not to you.       You may give them your love but not your thoughts,        For they have their own thoughts.        You may house their bodies but not their souls,        For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,        which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.” -                     Kahlil Gibr

Immigration and Family: Will my mom ever get to see my daughter walk down the aisle

Last year when my father passed away in the Philippines, I went home and took some time to visit the U.S. Embassy in Manila to ask what the options are for my mother to return to the U.S. The consul reminded me of the 10-year travel ban. That on or after November 8, 2015 — not earlier – or 10 years after my mom, was deported in 2005 for overstaying her visa, I can email the U.S. Embassy and inquire about my mother’s approved petition. I asked if I need to file another petition, and she informed me I didn’t have to. I asked if I could… and she stopped me and said to ask everything on or after November 8, 2015. This is where I am, and where my thoughts are drifting as I celebrate this month my 16th American birthday. I am counting the months, the weeks and the days. My daughter is getting married in January 2016 and I would love to have my entire family, especially my mother, to be here when that momentous occasion happens.

Helping others surpass their goals and expectations

"It's not about the end goal. It's who you become by consistently pushing to the edge of your limits." - Robin Sharma Do you ever wonder why you stumble on new things?  Do you ever wonder why unsuspecting strangers cross your path? Do you ever wonder why your mind takes you to a direction you didn't think exist? I was walking to StarBucks to meet my husband when I noticed a sign...

Still shaky, skidded in snow, but so blessed my guardian angels are looking after me!

"Never again wonder, what to be thankful for..."   - Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life It’s yet another snowy day in New Jersey. Beautiful, yes but dangerous! In line with my goal for this month is to get back on schedule. I got up around 4am to get my 15yo ready for his Model United Nations conference. (Thankful that our neighbor offered to drive him to school by 5:30am ) I got my 9yo ready for school and I'm thankful that my other neighbor offered to drive him to school. I then drove my husband to the train station to Manhattan. I decided to stop by the Community Center and decided to run a fast 5K on the treadmill. I was 1 mile short because I was so sweaty and hot. (Note to self: dress lightly next time) While cooling down inside the car, I read Day 14’s chapter of Rick Warren's the “Purpose Driven Life” book. I felt really good because it just reminded me that there is always something to be thankful for no matter how awful yo