When you're second-guessing if you're a good mom...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sometimes in my journey of being a mother, I can’t help wonder whether or not I’m doing the right thing…

Sometimes it’s easier to grasp the complexities of child’s development when he is just learning to walk.
However, I feel like it gets tougher once he starts walking on his own, makes decisions and choices without seeking my approval.
I'm always wondering...second-guessing...
But then out of a blue, he sends you a note saying how much he loves you…

My two oldest crumbcatchers are now 21yo and 19yo. And crumbcatcher TWO lives thousands of miles away from me. I (we) miss him dearly, and this week, he sent me a note:

One year ago, I was a complete and utter fiasco of a human being. It just dawned on me that it’s only been that long. It seems like forever ago, but at the same time, it feels as though that eternity was, in actuality, only a few months. So much has changed in the past year, and if you had asked me then, I would have never guessed that I’d be where I am now in my life. In fact, if you had asked me then, I probably wouldn’t have an answer. I’ve spent numerous nights wishing I could go back and change a few things, but now I honestly think I’m living the best I possibly can at the moment. I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

It’s funny to think of all the silly events that happened in my life that I have dwelled upon into countless depressions, only to realize that none of that nonsense ever even mattered. I can’t even think of anything to write after that last sentence because of how wonderfully ironic it is. I admit, however, that the constant flux of emotions did spark my creativity and overall need to create, so I can’t honestly say that those despondent nights were completely without worth. I don’t believe anything is ever truly without worth, but nor do I believe that everything happens for a reason. Just because one can learn something from an event, does not mean that the event’s sole purpose in the universe was to teach. No, we just have the ability to understand why things happen in addition to what happens after, and (if need be) to adjust our lives accordingly. It took me a while to figure that one out, but don’t get me wrong; I didn’t come to that conclusion on my own.

I am the outcome of every reinforced good intention from my family and my friends. I owe them everything, for without my family and friends supporting me, I would not be privileged enough to be where I am now in my life. The support, the encouragement, and even the scoldings have all helped cast a mold that I can easily pour myself into and actually be able to call myself, “Me”. I don’t even want to begin thinking about where or who I would be without them. Take this as an official thank you. Thank you for helping me find and place the pieces of this year. Whether I consider you family or friend, two words I use interchangeably, just know you have only received that title because you have impacted my life significantly and have aided in my overall enlightenment. I only wish for this to continue and for me to one day return the favor. So take care of yourselves. Find something to smile about, and if you can’t, make something to smile about. If not for your own health, than for mine. I’ve got many more years ahead of me, and Lord knows, I’ll need every single one of you to help in your own special ways.

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  1. Jen-Jen, Never second guess yourself - it can make you "crazy" - You are a wonderful, intelligent and loving wife, "mom" and daughter.
    We are all lucky that you belong to us.
    Love you, Mom

  2. It's that mom guilt at times...thanks, Mom :)

  3. Aw how sweet for your own mom to comment! You are a great mom!

  4. our journeys are never where we expect them to lead. so many detours. you are a great friend and your family adores you--you are blessed.

  5. Tess, thank you - and yes, I'm lucky mom(in-law) is the best!
    Deborah, how are you my dear!! thank you - especially coming from you!


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