Another holiday, another day without my momSunday, May 10, 2009
Someone asked me how come you seem to be calm even when there’s chaos going on?
A friend even calls me “Miss Jen Zen”.
I don’t know if it’s the state of being calm or maybe it’s just that I seem to be the one who ends up taking charge or making plans on how to remedy a chaotic situation that I can’t allow myself to be panicky.
Don’t get me wrong, I panic plenty, especially when it comes to my children. I can’t stand it when things are not in place or when my kids are not having a great time or when their dreams are getting crushed.
Oh, and I also feel depressed and sometimes it feels like I’m just a walking zombie. But for whatever reason, I still have to move-on and keep a smile on my face.
Last week was my youngest First Communion. It was a great family-and-friends get together party. This week is Mother’s Day and (although there’s some family emergencies going on at this very moment). I know we’ll still have a fun time at mom’s (honey’s mom’s). But there’s a void that will remain, a hole that will always be there.
Sure, my parents and brothers are still alive and maybe 10 or 15 years from now we can all be together, but every day – every weekend – every holiday without them is a day of memories spent apart. Sure they’re just a plane ticket away – but with no income coming our way for 7 months now, a flight to the Philippines is just not possible.
I remember when they are just a few blocks away. Looking back, I took for granted their close proximity. I always thought they’ll always be “right there”. There were so many vacations that I wished we spent more time together.
Looking back, I feel so bad since there were plenty of vacations I didn’t spend with them. I always had something far more important to do that I always said, “next time…”; But now - we’re continents and thousands of dollars apart.
The year they were taken away from me was the year we planned our first Florida trip with my parents. Unfortunately, my parents never got the chance to come with us to Disney. That year, I was going to take my youngest brother skiing with us, but unfortunately, that chance never happened either.
Over lunch today, my oldest was talking about her graduation day that she may not march since Rutgers was planning on combining all 5 schools into one day! That’s like over 5 hours of ceremony! She won’t be graduating for another 2 years, but I was sad because I was looking forward to see her march and accept her “~ Cum Laude” medal and certificate. And at the same time, I was even sadder because my parents won’t be around to see their first grandchild receive her diploma and medal.
Then for whatever reason, we talked about my daughter “if-and-when” her and her boyfriend decide to get married (10 years from now), the church services alone will be so long because it’ll be a Filipino-Jewish-Lithuanian-Italian wedding! Maybe by then, my parents and brothers will be around…they have got to be at the wedding since they’ve all changed my daughters’ diapers!
Today's Mother’s Day. It’s another holiday without my mom, my dad and my brothers. We were always together – just hanging around the kitchen or playing “patintero” (a Filipino tag-game), or in Mom’s garden admiring all her roses and orchids.
I do miss my family dearly, especially my mom, but I can’t be moping around. My kids and my husbands’ family are going to be with me this weekend, and I can’t take that for granted either.
Life is short and you don’t know what will happen next, so we have to live the most of it every day. Keep smiling, I tell myself, although there’s a hole in my heart, I have to be strong and thankful for the family that’s with me at this time.